Anger

I have thought about this post for a long time but never really gotten around to it for one reason or another. Life and the right words and all that entails. Even further where to start has stuck in my mind. Do I start with the morality of it? The emotion of it? My story of it? If I lay it all out will anybody understand my thought process? Will anyone even care? Well, that last one kind of doesn't matter I guess. This is a blog about my mind and what goes on there. There are things I don't think will ever go in here. That's just the nature of humanity. Not necessarily secrets per se but private thoughts that no one else would really get or for that matter needs to know about. So, I guess you could say this blog is a glimpse into the mind of Stephen.

Anyway. Anger is an emotion. That seems like the right spot to start. The obvious. But I think that we should look past the obvious statement that anger is an emotion. In day to day life we don't think about our emotions as emotions. We think of them as nothing more than who we are. I'm outspoken. I'm shy. I'm passionate. I'm withdrawn. I'm, I'm, I'm. This is not a bad thing per se. We just think of them in terms of ME. We equate our emotions as ourselves. This is a bit backwards. We are humanity. Created in the image of God. Built from dirt to live, breath and give Him praise and glory. That is who we are. Or at least a little closer to reality. The emotions are a add-on to the free will. A variety if you will. In a future blog I'm going to go into this a bit more with the whole variety thing but for today's purposes I will not. Let's just say that despite all the negative connotations that are often equated to emotions, life would be really dull without the variety.

So, point one. Anger is an emotion.

Anger is not sin. By itself and barring the influence of a sin nature built into all of us (thanks Adam) it is (see above) nothing more than an emotion. You see? This is why I wasn't sure where to begin. Due to the circular way that my brain often works it is hard to put it in a coherent linear process. Again, anyway. There is nothing wrong with being angry. It can often push us to do or accomplish things that we otherwise would not get to or want to. Sometimes to do things that we would NOT otherwise do. It is the influence of sin (or "bad feelings" for some of you) that pushes our actions into good or bad responses. This is the key I think. I'm not really sure what else to say about it. Our actions make or break what the emotion becomes.

I though of a number of analogies but ultimately it just comes down to our actions. We choose to be ruled by our emotions, in this case anger, or we rule our emotions. This is important.

We all have every emotion. But we are given them to greater or lesser degrees. We have a responsibility to use them as intended. To have a measure  of self control in all we do. Moderation is another word that works here. We should learn to control them. I have had to learn this. Most people assume that I have them under control. That I am just laid back and cool. While there is an element of truth to that, it is not the whole story.

My story? Simple. I had an anger problem. I learned to keep cool on the outside and thereby keep it hidden. I was a cauldron of anger that was boiling into rage. I don't know that there was any specific reason. In fact, looking back I don't believe there was anything. I was just letting it quietly eat me alive. That's the thing with emotions. They are meant to be used and I was mostly letting mine boil inside. For those who struggle with recognizing those who, like me, are holding it in, it is really easy to tell. Passionate arguer. Arguments happen. Disagreements happen. But arguing every point is one of the signs of someone who has an anger problem. I see it in others and it is like a beacon that lights the sky. I can see it as clearly as I see them. I don't know how to really explain it but their face is different. Again, it's not the same as a normal disagreement look. I really don't know how else to explain it.

But as I became a teenager it was close to the exploding point. I could see it. I could feel it. I was aware of it. And I was at best keeping it secret. Nothing more. It was controlling me. You know the old cartoons where the person would turn red starting at their feet and it would burn all the way up to their heads? That is almost exactly what it's like. The only thing wrong is that it starts in the head and boils down toward the feet. You stop thinking and the rage takes over. Your skin burns. Your blood boils and in the worst cases you will sweat. The feeling to lash out becomes strong. It all came to head one day when I was being irrationally disagreeable to someone. All day. I was shaking from the rage that was building inside me and I finally had enough and I took a swing. At the very last second I realized what I was doing and I pulled the punch. It landed but it was very light in the end. I call that my pivot point. That was where I became not just aware of my problem but realized that the path I was headed down was one of complete and utter disaster. I began the journey of controlling my anger and using self-control. We like to say how we hand things to God and he delivered us but I don't think He works that way. He expects us to do the work. And it took a long time to change from hiding the anger to not succumbing to it. Self-control is important. I am not idle in my desire to show peace. When people are being rotten or even just the scum of the earth my brain is frantically maintaining control. I become thoughtful and introverted as I put the figurative reigns on and slow things down. I let slip occasionally and my argumentativeness comes out but rarely do I give in to the anger in such a way as to boil. It always takes time to come down from such an event. I clearly see how people give in and lose all control but it is a cliff I choose not to jump over. I allow the anger like electricity to flow through  me and wash out the bottom. Self-control. It is part of growing up, maturing and becoming an adult. And more than that it is honoring to God that we show self control and not let our passions or emotions run wild. Praise God for that moment of clarity all those years ago.

That is what's on my mind and now finally written down. If it can help someone that's great. If not, maybe it will give you a little better understanding of the flashes that go through my brain and why I am often silent. I am just letting things process. It saves me a lot of trouble in the long term.