I feel most of the time like a failure. This is not some self pity writing but an honest look into my mind.
I feel, yes feel, that I cannot "win" whatever that means. I offer warnings and no one listens. I try to get ahead and calamity befalls me. I plan only to have life spit in my face and then laugh at me.I spend some money and within hours the gates of hell open against me. I won't clarify that one further but it definitely feels true. I try to prove myself and only show failure.
I could go on with vague example of wrought and ruin but I think the point is made. Whether I plan or no, it feels as if life itself is conspiring to ruin me. Victory is not an option and the wins do not pile up.
No amount of "positive" thinking will EVER change anyone's life and it feels as if my prayers are frequently ignored. It can be said that we often bring pain and sorrow on ourselves and that is certainly true but I feel often as if I'm being targeted for pain. Maybe there are lessons I'm supposed to be learning but mostly if feels as if I'm the proverbial punching bag. Again, before you accuse me of self pity realize this, I understand that everything and everyone has a purpose. If people were born sick, lame and blind for the express purpose of Jesus showing his power then I may not be off the mark in feeling like a punching bag.
I just keep waiting for that miracle that will show God's power and bring people to Him. In the mean time I will try not to devolve into some sort of depression over my circumstances but rather do my best to wait. And wait. And wait.
